Don’t Tell Me …

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If any of you have read my profile you’ll know that I am 52 soon to be 53. I was born in 1960 & the changes in technology, not to mention the world over those almost 53 years are incredible. When I was child we had telephones with rotary dials & the phone were always connected to wall by a cord in one place & the handset was connected to phone base by a curly cord that very quickly became a tangle that would usually make your mother nuts. If you wanted to a long distance phone call you had to go through the operator & give her the phone number & she would then put the call through & yes, the operator was always a live person, there were no automated voices telling you anything, real people, what a concept!

When I was about 8 we got push button phone, it had these 2 extra buttons,  # & * , that had absolutely no use & didn’t for years, seemed a rather stupid at the time. Oh! And if you accidentally dialed or pushed a number that didn’t exist you’d get this really weird Waa Waa sound. And phones were still connected to the wall. Cordless phones didn’t make an appearance until late 70s- early 80s, finally no stupid cord to get stretched out & tangled!

And televisions, we had 4 channels, 3 network & 1 public broadcasting. And there were no remotes, if you wanted to adjust volume or change the channel, you had to get up & do it manually, unless of course you had children & then we were the remote control.In the early 70s remote controls finally made it & most people referred to them as clickers & for very good reason, they made really loud click when you used it. Thinking back on it, it must have been very confusing for any dogs that were clicker trained, they probably didn’t know whether they were coming or going or sitting!

In 1967 WTCG, channel 17 was introduced in the south, today it’s known as TBS, Thank you Ted Turner! Yea! Finally, we had 5 channels to choose from but heaven help night owls or insomniacs, all of them went off the air by 1 AM & then came back at 6 AM.

By the early 70s we had 2 independent stations & 1 more public broadcasting station. Hot damn! 8 channels! Then also in early 70s cable tv came & that gave 1 premium movie channel that repeat the same 3 movies 24/7 for a month then next month same thing with 3 different movies. Woo hoo.

During the late 70s & early 80s all sorts of innovations in phone & tvs were being made. Pagers & palm pilots came into being, then cell phones. Have you ever seen the first cell phones? It was like carting around a brick & reception was rather iffy at best.

Then with tv, you had cable channels popping up all over the place & more premium movie channels. Best of all, these stations didn’t go off the air at 1 AM, they went all night long!

Oh! Hell, I haven’t even talked about computers yet! Yes, there were computers when I was a child. They took up whole huge rooms! Home PCs didn’t come about until mid 80s or so. And laptops, well most had to wait until the 90s rolled around.

Now I see children with their own cell phone & tablets! Most that I know that are my age are actually glad we didn’t have cells when we were teens, we always had the excuse of I was near a phone. It gave us more freedom for getting trouble, if we were out we were out. With today’s cell phones parents can pretty much track where their kids are. Good for parents, not so much for kids.

I now have a laptop, a smart phone that can do most anything a computer can do, actually I think it’s a computer that you can use as a phone, and tv has over 500 channels & still have trouble finding something to watch!

As David Bowie once sang Ch-ch-ch-changes! And this is just a small part of the the changes over the past almost 53 years!

I know this has been one heck of a ramble, but thanks for coming along. For those of us baby boomers hope I tickled some memories & for those younger, maybe informed in my own odd rambling way.

Thanks coming for coming for a sit down:)

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What A Year

Damn, what a year it has been. It’s taken me 6 months to come to terms with the health issues that have come about this year, I think I have finally reached acceptance. I know this new year will have more health related things to come but I am hopeful that there will be less bad head days(mentally & mood) & less feeling sorry for myself & bitching about it here. I know there will be some but that would be even without health being an issue, so for those I apologize now.

I want to thank all of you have read my rambles & have given me support & understanding, even through all my complaining & sometimes having my own pity party. It has meant so much to me & has helped me so much. To you all, I thank you from the bottom of my heart!

For this year I have one resolution & one main thing I need to work on(there are many things I do but one seems most important). My resolution(and this may seem silly to some) is to finally learn what all the keys on laptop keyboard are for, about time really:P

Now the main thing I want & need to work on is forgiveness. That one is not going to be easy but I’m going to work on it. The phrase forgive & forget runs through my head, now I know I won’t forget(with my memory there is little I forget, something of a blessing & a curse) but I’m hoping I can manage forgiveness even if I can’t forget. If anyone has any suggestions on how to achieve this they would be gratefully accepted. Is it selfish to say I want to learn major forgiveness for my own peace of being? And when you forgive does that mean you let that you let person back in your life or is it enough that you’ve forgiven & are just able to move on?

Well my fellow ramblers, I wish you all a new year filled with love, happiness & all you wish for! Thank you all! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

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It’s the day before Christmas, Christmas eve & here I sit doing nothing. What I should be doing is running around kitchen cooking & cleaning preparing for Christmas Day. I’m supposed to be getting ready for family to come & be together like Christmas’s of past. House should be fully decorated with garland & lights. There should be a tree that I have carefully lighted & decorated with ornaments that I have collected over the years. But that is not what is happening, so here I sit wondering what am I supposed to do with all the hurt that has been caused to me. Where do I put it? I’m running out of room for anymore pain.

What of those people who are causing the pain, the ones who should know what their doing but are oblivious & really don’t seem to care. The ones who aren’t suppose to cause you hurt, but just don’t want to know.

I have spent the spring, summer & fall dealing with major health problems, doctors & test after test, waiting & doubly looking forward to this time of year. And have it all taken away with no thought as to how it would make me feel. All I have wanted to do for weeks now is just cry. I’m always on the verge of tears, wanting to scream & rail.

I have no more room for the hurt & just need to know, where do I put it all now?

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We’re Going For A Ramble

Settle in folks we’re going for a ramble now.

Man, I have spent my summer in doctors offices, in MRI tubes & being poked & prodded & have blood sucked out of me & waiting, lots & lots of waiting. I have been waiting for fall to come & have everything over & done with, well at least having testing done & having answers. Damn, was I wrong. I finally get my brain out of the way, well as much as it can be, at least a plan in place when it comes to it, which is waiting & more MRIs to keep eye on it, then neurologist(he for spine) wanted MRI of spine to see how much worse it’s gotten. Well the way this damn year has been going should have know that wouldn’t turn out good. Now will be seeing doctor to discuss options but already know that that will probably be surgery on spine, yeah I see being able to afford that anytime soon.

So getting my head geared for hearing what doctor has to say I find out my Mom has been diagnosed with ALS, also known as Lou Gehrig’s Disease.  She’s taking the news much better than I am, for various reasons I know way too much about it & it scares me to death. In May of 2001 we found she had stage 3 colorectal cancer, went thru major surgery, radiation & chemo; that was one long summer but she survived that & has been cancer free ever since & now this.

Ya know, for the most part I’ve managed to keep thinking positive thoughts but the way things have been going it’s getting hard. I still have to get mammogram this week because of lumps found in breast & for weeks I’ve been telling myself that it will just be cysts or calcifications but now with the way everything’s been going I’m beginning to expect bad news there. I also have another problem that I’m not going to get into but this is all a bit much.

And to top things off John who has only one eye that he can see out has developed something called Iritis, it’s an inflammation of the iris & makes it very for him to see & is painful. Also found he has what’s called an after cataract, it’s something that can happen after having cataract surgery(that’s why he has the one good eye, still needs on other eye), what that is is a bubble that forms at the back of eye & needs surgeon to laser it open, it makes vision cloudy like cataract does. Our lively depends on his vision & as it stands now we’ve had to turn down work.

Every year I really look forward to the holidays which here in the states starts with Thanksgiving & every year we have the family here for both Thanksgiving & Christmas dinners here. This year especially have been looking forward to holidays but because my sister has chosen not to talk to me my mom cancelled Thanksgiving here & since it’s her house had to go with what she said. Well this has more than upset me, she’s also said no Christmas either. Well one of my uncle’s had Thanksgiving dinner at his home & everyone was invited, my husband & I were the only ones who went, my sister had dinner at grandma’s house where she lives & we weren’t invited.

Ok, a word about this thing with my sister, back in February she got mad at my son because he changed his relationship status on FaceBook without telling her first( seriously) & since she was mad at him she stopped talking to me & since she stopped talking to me her daughter also stopped talking to me. Even after having learned that I have a brain tumor they both have chosen to continue not talking to me. I have a new grand nephew that I haven’t met yet. My sister also made comment to my son ‘You & your mother always choosing friends over family” well she knows I lost a friend because I took her side in fight she was having with said friend on FaceBook, first time she’d ever been in the right. Loosing friend is whole different story.

So there ya go. Now with everything going on(I haven’t even mentioned John’s mom who has Parkinson’s breaking her hip 4 weeks ago) I’ve decided Christmas is on & I’m decorating & will have dinner here & sister can get over herself for one day for our mom’s sake.

I mean, come on! Get over it!

Sorry about going on & on & bitching but really needed to get this out. I appreciate you hanging around & listening.

Damn I want the new year to get here, I’ve had it with this one.

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The Story of John & Me

Hello, I’m back! Well I am tired of thinking about my health so decided I’d write about something that makes me happy to think about, and how John(my husband) & I met & got together. So here it goes.

It was March of 1993 & a bunch of friends & I were basically your average barflies, if you know the old tv show Cheers you get the idea:) Well alot of friends were roadies who worked for different big music tours & the group of them that worked for Travis Tritt were in town for short break that night & a friend of mine & I headed over to one of the guys apartment where they were getting together. I was sitting in living room talking to friends & I noticed this guy across room leaning on wall just watching what was going on & really just noticed but never talk to him or was introduced so really didn’t give much thought to him. Well a couple of weeks later I was at the bar that we all hung out at & no one else was there yet & I really wasn’t in best of moods because I had made up my mind to break up with the guy I was going out with, was tired of feeling miserable, well anyway I looked up when the door opened & saw the same guy I seen leaning on wall couple of weeks before & he was headed around bar to where I was sitting & as he got near I looked at him & said “Hey! I know you! Sit down!” (I can be a little bossy) he said he had to to restroom & he’d be back. Well at that I just figured I’d been blown off, well he came back! So we sat & talked & drank & drank some more:) Well by this time I had mentioned that yes had a boyfriend but was getting ready to break up with him, John kept going Call him & tell him that! I told him I couldn’t do that over the phone, it’d be rude(I should have done by phone as it turned out), well end of night came, well actually morning since it was 3 AM, and John walked me out to my car & ask if he could call me in 2 weeks when he’d be back in town & Travis would be taking 6 week tour break, I gave him my phone number figuring I never hear from him since I knew he didn’t live here. Then he asked if he could kiss me! Oh butterflies in my stomach like I’d never had before! And then he kissed me! Oh!!! Beautiful butterflies! (I still get them to this day when he kisses me!)

Well two week later he called me! He came to pick me & my son went running out to see who this person was(Elias was just barely 4) & he took to John right off the bat:) Well John & I went out & at about 5 AM brought me home so could be home by time Elias got up. Well we came in the & laid down on sofa, sort of feet to head type of thing & fell asleep. From that point onward for the 6 week break he had we were together 24 hours a day for everyone of those days! Buy the end of those 6 weeks I knew I was in love with him & my soul had started to heal. After he went back on the road he back to me, he never went back to where he lived & we became each others home.

Here’s something I learned  about 6 months later, John coming to the that night we actually met was an accidental meeting. We were a party given by the production manager of the tour & I was talking to one of the guys that worked on tour & who’s apartment it was where I first saw John, he told me that John had asked him later who I was & friend told him my name & that I could be found lots of times at the bar we all went to. Well turns out John went to bar every night for two weeks waiting for me show up! I had no idea about, I had been thinking it happened. Still think it just so cool that he wanted to meet me much!

Well all that was 19 years ago, we will be celebrating our 17th wedding anniversary on November 25th. Except when he is traveling we are always together & that is how we prefer it.

So that is the story of John & me, hope you liked the story & weren’t too bored.

Thanks for stopping by for another ramble. I’ll do update on health & everything when I feel like thinking about again.

See ya soon:)

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Life’s A Mixed Bag

Hello folks. I’m back & feeling better than last time I was here & figured it was time for an update since all labs & current test results have finally come back. And to make it a little easier on me the oncological neurosurgeon will be referred to as OS & the neuroendochronologist will be NE.

My last appointment with both NE & OS was last week, I was at clinic for 4 hours! Talking! Well, listening really. First with NE, she tells me that all the labs run on blood came back mostly normal, the not normal is something called Polycythemia, which means my bone marrow over produces red blood cells & platelets making my blood thicker than it should be. Will need to get blood drawn every once in a while to keep eye on it.

The other part of not normal & I never knew this, estrogen is stored in fat cells & with the huge weight loss I’ve had all that stored estrogen got released into my body(if I understand this correctly) & has thrown me back into menopause times 10! So that explains part of symptoms I have. She(NE) says that tumor is not the cause of symptoms, just a coincidence.(Uh-huh) So I need to see GYN to see if they can manage the menopausal symptoms, which should be interesting since I can’t be put on hormones.*sigh* And she’ll see me again after next MRI. Wellll, okay then. Oh! And she wants me to see infectious disease expert! Viruses & such. *big eye roll* Think I’ll skip that one thank you very much.

On to seeing the OS. He tells me he thinks(thinks mind you) that what is in by brain is what’s called Ratlke’s Cleft Cyst, not a bad thing as things growing in your brain goes unless it starts growing. But, big but here, he said he’s still suspicious of it, only thing is even doing a biopsy of it runs high risk of permanently damaging pituitary or hypothalamus which would mean taking meds to replace what wouldn’t be being made anymore because of damage. So I have to get MRI done every three months to keep eye on growth, so next one will be in October & while I’m having that done he also wants me to get CT scan of chest, abdomen & pelvis. That will be fuzzy fuzzy day since I have this problem with small spaces, upside. The reason for the CT scans is that(now these are the words that made me cry in relief) they know that there is something wrong with me, they can see that, other than the menopausal symptoms, there are ones that now can’t be explained. Still don’t know why my body has lost so much weight & I have to fight to keep weight on,or my that my hands shake & the vertigo, the bizarre headaches & the absolute fatigue. So I get to look forward to MRIs every three months for I don’t know how long.

I am just so over all this. I just want to go back to having to deal with just spinal disease, kind of thought that was enough to deal with to begin with. So now I have spine to deal with & probably(hopefully) just get used to dealing with extra thing in brain.

Okey dokey, I think that covers the update, thanks for still being here after my last blog that was more of a pity party that a blog I guess. And to those that read that, thanks for reading & for the comments, they meant alot & they helped me.

Okay, folks, once again thanks for stopping by! I’ll be back soon-ish again to ramble on. One last thing before I take my leave, Forrest Gump was wrong, live is not a box of chocolates, it’s a mixed bag & you just don’t know what you’ll pull out next

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“The Void” A 9/11 Tribute Video

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Just Damn Tired

Okay, this is going to be me bitching, if you don’t want to hear it go somewhere else, this my space & I will damn well bitch if I want to, you’ve been forewarned.

I am fucking tired, tire of waiting on fucking doctors, tired of stupid tests that leave me bruised & looking like a fucking junkie, tired of waiting for phone calls to give results of tests, tired of getting results that lead to more goddamn test & more fucking specialists! I’m tired of not feeling well & hurting & just fucking tired of being tired!

I am tired of staying positive. I am tired of acting like everything is okay, I’m tired of saying I’m ok when I fucking not!

I can feel depression trying to creep up on me & I’m tired of fighting it off. It’s taken me weeks just to try & decide what to update here, this isn’t what I wanted to write about but I knew that if I didn’t get this out I was going blow a gasket & when you have a brain tumor blowing a gasket may not be the best thing for your brain, but all I want to do is scream!

As I said at the beginning I was going to be bitching. Hopefully next time I show up I will have heard from doctors & know more test results. Also with luck this mood will have lifted. Maybe just need to find a stranger to listen to go on & bitch & not tell me I need to just stay positive & how well I’m handling everything. I don’t like laying all this on family & friends, they’ve all been great but… just but.

For days now all I want to do is sit & cry, it’s been years since a depression has come & hit me like this & it really pisses me off!

To anyone who decided to not heed warning & made this far, thanks for reading.

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This Is Just Silly

Hello again. Just a quick update on tumor front. Actually not alot going there, that not exactly correct, went to neurologist yesterday & was told that if tumor is not found to be reason for headaches(how can brain tumor not cause headaches?) extremely low blood pressure & pulse rate will have to have MRA(MRI for arteries & veins in brain) or CTA(sort of the same thing) & possibly bring cardio guy into the mix. Yippee. But Doctor said we won’t think about that until who brain tumor thing taken care of. Standing has become an adventure now because of blood pressure & pulse rate. The PA told me if I had to have a brain tumor I had the good kind! Good to know:)

Well last I was here I was waiting on appointment time with the neuroendocronologist & another neurosurgeon & was so tired of waiting; now the appointment is tomorrow & I’m back to starting to stress about it. This is just really silly, I just started to destress about the waiting for appointment & now that time is here & I’m stressing again. If you could see me right now you’d see me shaking my head & rolling my eyes.

One last thing here(well possibly last), the doctors I’m seeing tomorrow? I can’t pronounce either of there names! One has ten letters in it, only 3 of which are consonants, the other one has nine letters & only 2 are vowels! Maybe they should mix all the letters up & play Jumble with them. Sorry, stress is making brain a bit off.

Anyhow, that’s it for this update, I’ll be back soon-ish with another one after see doctors tomorrow.

As always thanks for stopping by.

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