I don’t cry.
(Shut up! I’ll give you something to cry about.)
I have COPD, I have since before they named it that, I suppress coughing to clear my lungs.
(Stop that coughing, it it sounds terrible.)
I don’t talk about my real feelings.
I hate being touched.
(The old man likes her, send her over there & let him watch her. “But I don’t like him! He…” Shut up & just go.)
I have terrible relationship with food.
(Don’t eat that, you’re a fat pig already.)
I will put myself in dangerous situations.
(Don’t hit her, she’s little! Hit me!)
All the cracks are widening.
So much I just don’t care about.
Suicide not an option,
at least the fast way.
(I still smoke, I only have 70% lung function.)
I have things that are wrong & ignore.
Sometimes I’m surprised I’ve awoken to a new day.
(Was once told I’m committing prolonged suicide)
I just can’t find the energy to care much about myself.
(So much easier to care about others.)
I’m just tired & I really don’t care.
(I’m so sorry.)
Hi ya! Just to start in better mood than last time so no fear of depressing someone. But anyhow for the reason I’m here. Some of you may know I draw, I’m not that good but it’s what I feel drawn to do(no pun intended) & it helps keep me this side of sane. Usually when I draw there is actually alot a of thought & measuring go into what I’m going to draw( most are geometric) & no matter how many time I measure for some reason I can never get something centered to save my life. Well anyway, the other day I was extremely bored & needed to do something that would keep me from thinking, something I’ve been avoiding since February 11th( if you read my blogs or tweets you know why) & didn’t feel like working on piece I’ve been working on so I picked up my pens & one of my drawing pads & just started doing what is doodling to me & didn’t think anything about what I was doing. At some point I stopped & really looked at what I had drawn & was very surprised to find my self taken back to my Grandma Banda’s den from when I was maybe 5 or so & there was this braided rug on floor, I was really surprised to see that so I kept drawing to see where it would take me. Next thing I knew I was seeing what reminded me of Grandma sitting & tatting! For those of you who don’t know what tatting is it’s basically crocheting with this weird little thing called shuttle & with thread. Alot of doilies & antimacassars made by tatting. She also would crochet lots of afghans. Mom was always making to but her’s were squares were never centered, no matter how many she made they were always just off center. She also couldn’t cut a straight line if you paid her! This was really important when it came to my sister’s & my bangs!
But then it dawned on me that somehow or another this was something she had some how or another passed on to me! Except for the bangs thing;)
As I kept drawing & I really looked at what I was drawing, I realized that it was nowhere near a good drawing but I wanted to post anyway, just because of the memories that it brought with it. So I’m post here with this blog. What follows are picture of my late Grandma Banda, one of a piece of tatting that my uncle’s wife had framed for me after Grandma passed, a picture of my sister & me when we were 6 & 5 & you can see what I mean about the whole bangs thing & lastly the drawing that started all this.
After my last blog I’d like to thank you coming back! Thanks for stopping by for this ramble.
I am so tired of feeling this way. I want to cry, scream & break things. I know if I start I won’t stop. I angry, I’m sad beyond belief & I have no one I can talk to. I realized the other day this is what the rest of my life will be like & it dawned on me that maybe death would be preferable to feeling like this. That’s the one thought that keeps coming back to me. I don’t want to have these feeling anymore. I’m tired of pushing down feelings, I’ve been doing that for over five decades & I just can’t take anymore.
I’m tired of being ill. I’m tired of physically hurting. I’m tired of mentally hurting. I’m tired of pretending. I have no more fight left in me. I’m just tired.
Why don’t you really listen to me?
I was lying down trying to take a nap because of headache I have, while I was lying there the thought of trying to describe the weirdness of the way fingers are feeling(different than usual weirdness) & that led to the thought of how odd the description of the different pains & feeling I have are. A good deal of the pain I have is nerve pain caused by several different physical problems & only someone who has one of the many different nerve pains can understand these odd descriptions, like leg being numb, dead but hurting, or lower back & hip having shooting cold hot pain. See? That just sounds weird. Or the electricity that will shoot down limb. Or coming up with closest way of trying to get dr or anyone to understand the strange feeling on scalp & only being able to come up with it feels like someone running pastry docker over my head. The problem there is dr didn’t know what pastry docker is.
Those of you who understand the weird pains & feelings that nerve pain can cause might understand that when asked I just say I hurt because the looks you can get when you try to describe to someone, friends or family members, what your feeling can hurt, I know it sounds crazy but… I don’t know, that’s just the way it is.
I’m just a tiny bit buzzed from pain meds & felt need to say this. I know it’s rambley but that me but I am sorry if it makes no sense so I thank you for stopping by & reading.
Ya know, if I could have just taken a nap I wouldn’t have written this. Good thing or bad? I don’t know.
My mom passed away very suddenly & totally unexpectedly last Tuesday morning, also rather traumatically for those of us at home when it happen, And the day after we had ice & snow storm hit so that put us all in state of limbo until it was over before we could even star to make arrangements for her. Well now she has been cremated & the memorial service is over & I’m finding the shock & the numbness is starting to wear off. I keep having these thoughts that just seem so silly in the seriousness of it all, like the book she hadn’t finished reading & the books she had to read sitting near her chair. Then she never got to see The Westminster Dog Show which is something she always looked forward to. Or the ice skating on the Olympics which she just loved watching. What about her tv shows she was so looking forward to coming back, now she’ll never know what happened on Scandal which was one of her favorites or 24 coming back. She had her calender set to remind her when they were coming back. The shows that we watched in common & would talk about after we had watched. These all seem like such silly things but so much of what she liked.
I still haven’t figured out what I’m supposed to do without her here. She was my mom.
Hello there again! Well folks it’s almost that time! In exactly one week my feet will be on UK soil! I have been waiting so long for this! Now the closer it gets the excited I get but another part of me is getting very anxious, I keep thinking that all my friends that I will be meeting won’t like the me in person. Hopefully that’s all in my mind.
But anyway, I will be doing my blog again & will be keeping you updated on all I’ll be doing, and that will be alot! My most lovely friends have lots planned to do & see while I’m there & this time will be traveling with my husband. This trip is celebrating our 18th wedding anniversary & is honeymoon we never got to have. We will be starting in Scotland then to Lancaster then Cardiff & finally London. We’ll be in UK for 2 weeks so there will lots for me to write about. I will also be posting some pictures here but have a new site called Glossi that I will be working on to get pictures there for those who are interested. I will be posting link to it when it’s ready.
Well I just wanted to give an update. I’ll be back in about week & telling ya’ll what I’ve been up to:)
Well hello folks! I know it’s been awhile since I written anything but got quite tired of just moaning & complaining about my health & such it was even bringing me down. But now have something to say that’s good! Ladies & gentlemen it’s that time again! I will be going to Great Britain at the end of November thru beginning of December! Happy Dance going on here! So ya know what that means, another travel blog. I hope this will make some of you happy. This time I will be traveling with my husband, so I will be sharing his comments too. This will be our 18th wedding anniversary & Christmas presents to each other.
Tickets already booked, so every so often before we leave I’ll be checking in to let you know how all planning is going. I am so looking forward to meeting face to face some of my friends I have met thru Twitter & seeing ones I met the last time I was there 2 years ago.
Right now I’m working on itinerary & figuring out trains. I now have something good to look forward to! Any of you who would like to meet me, I would love to be able to meet you, just let me know & I will see if it can possibly be done.
Thanks for listening! I am so happy!!!!
Should be read & paid attention to! It says a lot!